"....pregnant with what?"

Babies Don't Grow On Trees

Since I was a little kid I've wanted to be a mother. Ever since I asked my oldest brother where they grew and he said "bellies" I knew I wanted one in mine. You could catch me any given day lining my doll babies up in their strollers. Washing their plastic bodies, un matting their tangled plastic hair. I even had a little kitchen and grocery store where I'd dutifully shop and vacuum.  I shouldve know then. Devotion of that type is usually a precursor for disappointment.  When I got my first period it was clear that not only did my uterus hate me, but that bitch was gonna tell the world about it. Endometriosis made puberty a real gem and it only blazed brighter the older I got. I finally had surgery to cut all the scar tissue,  polyps, cysts (and a daughter cyst. Apparently my ovaries can get pregnant even when I fail to. Whores.) and Endometrial tissue out. I had a shiny new uterus and I was ready to take her out on the town. Show her to some gentleman dicks. Maybe give em a whirl (I'm gross. I apologize. ). I got pregnant within 7 months of the surgery. 

The moment I found out I was pregnant was nerve wracking, I wasn't ready. I thought I was. He was supposed to be the one but he had made it very clear he didn't want a baby. We probably should of had that conversation before I took his peen for a whirl. I was so stressed I started having dreams I lost the baby. That he came to me and told me it wasn't time yet, he wasn't mine. I drove 10 hrs in one day to see a concert and lost him the next day. I promised myself I'd be ready next time. Next time would be my chance. I was wrong. Big surprise there. I was good friends,  one might even say beneficial friends, with the father of my next baby. Do me a favor and don't use the term in the comment section. My mom might read this one day and that is too much real in one session. We got pregnant on the 4th of July. Happy Independence Day, here's some seeds! Don't drop em! I never felt like the pregnancy was real. I kept waiting for Ashton Kutcher to come out with my family and tell me I was on a very elaborate episode of Punk'd. The entire pregnancy filled me with a sense of foreboding.  Each day I was pregnant seemed surreal.  I started compulsively buying baby stuff at 12 weeks hoping it would jump start some type of maternal instinct I felt I was lacking.

 Maybe this swing will make it real. No? Well maybe this crib set will. No? Damn..let's try a wardrobe.

  Nothing did. No matter what I did I couldn't actually imagine bringing my son home. Him using his car seat.  Even holding him. Even in my dreams he wasn't mine. He was sick from 14 weeks till the day I delivered him, still and sleeping, at 23. I named him Elijah and I held him until he was cold. It hurt, even if I dreaded the pregnancy.  Even if I felt that all my preparation had been wasted, it broke me deep down in a place hard mend. I pulled closer to God and in one of my darkest moments he whispered a message in my ear: "Wait on It. It's coming. ". If you don't know God that will sound crazy to you; that a non corporeal being whispered to me when I was sad. If you do, you'll understand the quite and wholeness I felt. Either way, this blog isn't about you and you will deal.

 What is this blog about?  OH YEAH! BABIES. 

My Boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 months although we've known each other for 3 years. It took me that long to realize I kinda love that guy. A lot. Like in a creepy quantity that might make me seem like a killer if I shared. I'll do a post about him one day. Just not today cuz topics and shit. We talked about having kids together. About starting a family.  We didn't think it'd be this soon. My earliest inkling that something was up was 2 weeks ago. I was suddenly and inexplicably nauseous.  All the time. Nothing sounded edible, except meat. Mmmmm Brains..I mean meat. I decided to make a steak and potatoes dinner one night. As I sat down to eat the smell of the meat made me gag. I was still starving though. I settled for Swiss Rolls and Pringles. My boyfriend was here the weekend and I hated him. Passionately.  Everything he did made me irritable and I was exhausted. 4 days later I was drinking tea and I saw it had rose hips in it. I got very anxious because I couldn't remember if rose hips were safe for pregnant women . 

Wait, what? I'm not pregnant,  right?..

but then it all made sense. My nausea and ravenous appetite.  The odd cravings (Beans. Beans and more Beans), the mood swings and tiredness.  My period was due the next day, when it didn't come I took a test. Positive.  So was the next one. And the three after that.  Words can't describe the feeling.  I was elated, something I never experienced with pregnancy.  I was optimistic and happy,  he was too. His first response was "you're what? Pregnant with what?". Emotion. Pregnant with puppies and beans. Obviously.